Stephen Colbert's Sport Report
Stephen Colbert's Sport Report (pronounced "spor repor" because It's French, bitch) is a segment of the Colbert Report which appears every few weeks (and was previously known as Stephen Colbert's Sports Update). Watching this segment is the second most athletic thing you can do while sitting on your couch. Sport Report from 01-25-2007 First, something useless about Steve Nash, who plays basketball for the Phoenix Suns. But who cares? Nash is just another Canadian trying to play a real American sport. In Canada, basketball is nothing more than mounties throwing a beaver through a hole in the ice. Speaking of Canada, things have apparently snowballed since Colbert's Sport Report from last week. As you all know, the fans of the Oshawa Generals threw teddy bears onto the ice in what was clearly an anti-Colbert demonstration in their game against the Spirit back in December. The Generals tried to play the innocent act, stating that it is a traditional annual event and the teddy bears are given to charity. Yeah, right, and Stephen is just some paranoid meglomaniac with a bloated ego and a victim complex who thinks everything in the world just spins around him. That's the simple answer. Stephen reminds everyone that the General Motors annual reports are not to be tossed onto the ice...after the first Saginaw Spirit goal...during their game against the Oshawa Generals...on Friday, January 26, 2007. The Mayor of "Oshawa bin Laden," a Mr. John Gray, issued a challenge to Colbert during a guest appearance on KX96 - New Country FM. If the Generals win, Colbert must wear an Oshawa Generals jersey for an entire show. If the Spirit win, Oshawa will name a day "Stephen Colbert Day" in Oshawa, which is assumed to also include a parade and some form of a nice steak dinner in honor (none of that honour stuff, Canadians) of the great Colbert. Wearing a Generals jersey poses some problems. Since it is made in Canada, it may burn Stephen's flesh like hot tar. In addition, the Generals already have someone who wears the number 1, a goalie by the name of Andrew Peters. Which means that Colbert would be given a ridiculous number like 99 or 38 instead of his customary number 1. This is important because Stephen Colbert is number 1 in all things. Stephen works in a nice blast of the Oshawa school board or whatever, proving his tremendous research abilities. Colbert needed to know whether or not to accept the bet. He is man enough to put his money where his mouth is, but first, he needed a little information. So he decided to talk to Coach Bob Mancini once again. Stephen asked who the Spirit are going to start against the Generals. Mancini responded, "Pyatt, Murzak, and O'Marra." There was some miscommunication between the two due to the fact that Pyatt is pronounced "pay-it" (anyone who has heard Stephen Colbert call Saginaw Spirit highlights knows this to be true) as opposed to "pie-at" which is how Mancini pronounced it. You would think that Mancini would know how to pronounce the names of his own players, but there you are. Colbert thought that Pyatt was Murzak's first name, exclaiming "Pyatt Murzak, he must be a Canadian-killing machine!" When Mancini explained that they were two different players, Colbert suggested that perhaps the two could be grafted together to form one giant super-player. Two players, one salary. It's a win-win. As all of Colbert's ideas are worth their weight in gold, we can assume that experiments are currently underway in a secret laboratory under the ice at the Saginaw Spirit home rink in order to determine whether or not Colbert's player grafting idea is feasible. Mancini told Stephen that the players were now forechecking in the neutral zone as Stephen had recommended. Colbert did not ask whether or not they were now giving 110%, but we can assume that they are. Colbert asked about a neutral zone trap, but Mancini seemed sour on the idea. Colbert told Mancini that he ordered the film Miracle via Netflix and sent it to the team. He doesn't want to give away the ending, but the movie involves hockey, and America wins. Colbert asks whether or not Mancini could shoot up his players with steroids to gain an edge and Mancini responds that at this point in the season, you have to try anything. He then ends the call with Mancini. Colbert asks the studio audience whether or not they should take the bet, and they cheer wildly. Stephen accepts the challenge, but decides to change the terms. If the Spirit lose and Stephen wears a Generals jersey, he will pick the show in which he wears the jersey. He warns that it may be a rerun. When the Spirit win, Stephen Colbert Day must be declared on Mayor Gray's birthday (March 20th) so he'll remember it for the rest of his life. Sport Report from 01-16-2007 First, something completely useless about Los Angeles and David Beckham. And, something about a pair of Armani pants saying Beckham is coming here to be an actor. Just another example of how useless Dutch news agencies are when they use some fashion designer dude as a source for a sports story. Now, on to the Ontario Hockey League!! The Saginaw Spirit have slumped as of late, but Stephen takes full credit. He's been distracted, what with Christmas, the wars, and the election to deal with. He's been letting the team down. Now, on to the Spirit matchups for this week. Recently at a game in Oshawa, Ontario, the fans of the city known as "Oshawa bin Laden" tossed teddy bears onto the ice in some sort of unholy anti-Colbert demonstration. A measured response is needed. Oshawa's team is known as the Generals, who are named for General Motors, as they have a headquarters in that city. They just built a new arena, but with the way things are going, its going to get shut down and stripped for parts. Colbert is unimpressed by the company's lackluster 3rd quarter earnings report (which was recently released). Fans from Saginaw are discouraged by Stephen (wink wink nudge nudge) to toss General Motors' annual stockholders report onto the ice at the Generals vs. Spirit game on January 26. The document can be found in handy PDF format courtesy of the Colbert Nation website. Get printing, heartland! Sport Report from 12-5-2006 First, something about a controversy in college football over something known as the BCS formula - the Championship is between Florida and Ohio State. Stephen offered a complicated explanation of the situation, complete with diagrams and arrows, and then settled for a very simple explanation - the teams are from the two states, Florida and Ohio, who sent the Greatest President Ever to office in 2000 and then back again in 2004. But who really cares about college football. Let's move on and talk about the greatest sport ever, minor league hockey. The Saginaw Spirit have lost three games in a row after going on an unbelievable Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle induced charge to the top of the Ontario Hockey League. Stephen talked to Coach Bob Mancini about this problem in an interview via telephone. Mancini wants Colbert to give the Spirit another pep talk. Colbert says that the Spirit need to forecheck in the neutral zone. Mancini says that the Spirit are currently giving 101%, and Colbert says the Spirit need to give another 9% which will take them up to the required 110%. Now, some trash talking. Sault Sainte Marie "sainte" gonna beat the Saginaw Spirit! Their town is named after a saint whose miracles were apparently dubious at best. Take that, Sault Sainte Marie! Colbert concluded his call with Mancini by declaring that his latest piece of trash talk was worth a 2 game sweep right there, and he implored Mancini to tell the boys to go win one for the Steagle. Sport Report from 11-30-2006 Not a full Sports Update/Report on this particular episode, but Stephen Colbert and his interview guest Mike Lupica briefly discussed the Saginaw Spirit and their upcoming games against fellow Ontario Hockey League teams the Kitchener Rangers and London Knights, and Stephen boasted of his cred as a sportsman by name-dropping Thar Steagle. Sport Report from 11-2-2006 Note: The segment now has a new name: Stephen Colbert's Sport Report. The Saginaw Spirit continue their winning ways, with victories over the Plymouth Whalers, Sault Ste. Marie Greyhounds, and Toronto Saint Michael's Majors, whose mascot is apparently a coat rack. Colbert notes that the Spirit are the Kingston Frontenacs of merchandising, since they appear to offer the same things every other team offers. Colbert gives the Spirit some awesome ideas. *The Spirit sell temporary tattoos. Since they are temporary, a temporary tattoo is something worn by a bandwagon fan. Instead of temporary tattoos, they can get Killer to give everyone permanent tattoos. Well, just adults. *Since only adults can get tattoos, the new Colbert-inspired Spirit Store will also be selling Fake IDs. *Eagle feather bridal gowns for the ladies *Teething hockey pucks (non-toxic, of course) for the steaglets. Sports Update from 10-18-2006 The Saginaw Spirit swept their three game road trip, bringing their record to 6-0 since renaming their mascot, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, after Stephen. Stephen predicted a sweep and HE CALLED IT! Tough matchups this week, Nation. So let's make sure we talk some smack. Take that, Brampton! You suck, Sarnia! Owen Sound, a nice city, but their mascot is a godless killing machine (see: Owen Sound Attack). Sports Update from 10-9-2006 Biggest story in sports is: The Saginaw Spirit won both games over the weekend, bringing their record to 3-0 since renaming their mascot, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, after Stephen. Go Fightin' Steagles!!! Stephen Colbert loves hockey. Its kind of like baseball. Or something. If your newspaper doesn't cover the Ontario Hockey League, call them up and complain. Stephen predicts a sweep of the Spirit's three game road trip.